Where did you go?

March was chugging along and I was feeling great, even optimistic and then….DEPRESSION! GRIEF! ISOLATION!

I can’t tell you why one day I was great and the next I was a troll living under the blankets, avoiding people (texts, calls, in person visits).My best guess is that when I was first diagosed I grieved hard for my son. My initial concern after diagnosis was Max – will he be taken care of, will Jacob still be in his life after I’m gone, will he get any inheritance that was meant for me, would I have anything to leave him – will he remember how much I loved him.

I didn’t spend much time grieving my loss – knowing you may have 3 years to live is a lot different than confronting and internalizing that information. I kept asking myself – is it worth it? Should I buy new clothes if I’m dying? Should we spend money updating our house, spending so much, if it’s only for a short time? As you can see grief was quickly followed by self worth issues…and then depression.

Am I over it – no. But I know what I need to do to move past the hurt (get out, see people, talk, enjoy the sunshine). It’s not easy. I have to force myself to take these actions – but everytime I do I feel better.

On that note I want to thank those who have been persistent in their calls, visits, and mail. Know that even though I couldn’t respond – it meant more than you will ever know.

March Photo Dump: